30 Days of Truth- Day 5

Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life.

I hope to do a few things in life actually. Here is my list:

• Raise great christian children/adults, possibly future leaders, smart and happy. (I would say independent, but in some selfish way, I hope they will always need me for something)
• Stay married til the end.
• Adopt a child one day.
• OWN MY OWN BAKERY!
• Just be happy.

This is a short and to the point list, I feel like my last 2 days of truth, were miserably long. Sorry. :)

30 Days of Truth- Day 4 & Friday Blog hops!

Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for. (This story will jump all over the place & its long.)

  This is a sad subject for my family.
My hubby probably does not wish for me to share this, but it is 30 days of TRUTH, and this is the truth. When I was pregnant with our son, 'B', my husband was working at a tattoo shop. He had decided to try Cocaine, and became addicted, I did not find any of this out for a year and a half. He was acting weird, and distant, and was always picking fights. We would have some awful fights, over nothing, it was like he was picking fights with me. And of course, we would fight and scream and yell, and he would leave. This went on for awhile. He wouldn't eat and he always had "headaches and stomach aches". Stupid me never caught on, why, because I assumed he would have never done that to me.

  We moved out into our own house, he wasn't making great money, but decent. I made him quit the tattoo shop, because we were having a baby, he didn't need to work in that environment. And he got a job at a tire shop, making ok money, enough to move out. My mom moved in with us and we were all living together. The bills were split ,and I remember not being able to pay bills, but yet he made enough money to do so. I was so confused, why isn't the power on? Where is the gas? What is going on? I always got, slow week, didn't make that much. OK. So, I will get a job. "NO, your job is here raising our son".

  So, I stayed home. We still fought, it got so bad, he would leave for days and I wouldn't know where he was. One day he called me, crying and upset, and finally told me he was in Savannah (6 hours from here) and he had been doing drugs. I was shocked! Kind of. I knew something was up, it had to of been drugs, or he was cheating. But I knew something wasn't right. So, he quit. Or so I thought. We were ok for about 2 weeks, then it was back to the same, he was blaming me for not trusting him. I had 'B' during all of this and he was ok for a little bit, then it was right back to it.

  I was so depressed, fighting all of the time, never seeing him. Poor baby, I hated this for him, he didn't know. But I did. One day, he decided to go to his dads, and try to get better. HAHAHA. What a joke! He was doing drugs WITH his dad, and on top of that, he changed his passwords for everything. I was infuriated, if you hae nothing to hide, why did you change all of it?! Got into it one day, heard a voicemail from a girl, who "had a great time last night". THAT WAS IT. I let him have it. I am not taking this crap anymore. The gas was shut off, and it was winter, and I had a new baby. He called his mom and they bought us a hotel room for the night, but not without first laying into us, and letting us know that she would call DFCS. Are you kidding me?!?!

  I am thinking all is fine, bills are paid and here he is spending it all on drugs! How dare you!? I am a great mother! So. Things were rocky between everyone for awhile. I decided he had to go, didn't care where, just not here with us. Well, one day I came home, and SURPRISE! My 2 digital cameras were gone, a Tv, A dvd player, and some other things. Someone broke into our house?!  NO. HE got into the house through, the garage door, and stole and pawned these things for drug money. UGH!!! I HATE YOU! How could you do this to me?!?!? To our son?!?! He moved in with his mom, & my mom, B, and I moved out. (His mom thought she had magical powers, and that she could heal him, since I was the one corrupting him.)

  We got a 2 bedroom apartment and started over. I was working, and had 'B' in daycare, and took my mom back and forth to work. It was stressful. Some days I was so depressed, I couldn't get off of the couch. My mom had to feed my son, because I couldn't do it. It was so sad. I would call him everyday, 10x a day, he didn't want anything to do with us. He was made to get a job, and I asked him to help buy diapers and food, his mom didn't think he had to do that. I hated her too. One day, he screwed up, and his mom kicked him out. And of course, he stayed with a guy, he was doing drugs with.

   Well I packed all his crap up and drove the hour and a half to his place of residence, and tried to drop it off. He wasn't there, and the stupid woman wouldn't let me leave it with her, dummy. So then she came at me, while I was on the phone with HIS mom, and so his mom called the cops. I left. To make the night even worse, I was pulled over, found out my license was suspended (I assumed the ticket was paid), and almost taken to jail. GREAT. Thankfully though, the police officer who pulled me over, was the one that was called to the house. He knew how bad of a night it had been, and he let me go, but someone had to drive me all the way home. At this point, I was done. I didn't call anymore, I didn't let 'B' leave messages, I didn't care.

   I moved on. I started hanging out with my friends, and spending so much time with 'B', and enjoying life. His mom called me one day and told me he called her. He told her, "He couldn't do it anymore, and he loved me and 'B', and he wanted to go to rehab". She took him the next day. I was relieved, yet, not getting my hopes up. Went and saw him one day and he looked so good. So much better, he was ecstatic to see me and 'B', he couldn't stop hugging and kissing us. This was refreshing to me, I missed that. Well finally his time was done, and he came home. Then he dropped the bomb on me. We were moving. Wait, what?! I don't even trust you yet, and you want me to move an hour and a half way from my family?

  Call me stupid, but I did it. BEST. DECISION. EvER. We got our own apartment, and things were great! It took a long time for me to trust him again, and I checked in on him at work, and went through his phone, wallet, anything I had to. And, he wasn't lying or hiding anything from me, and slowly things were better. Here we are today, married, 2 kids, gorgeous house, he works for the state, and I stay home. And life couldn't be better. He will be 4 years sober next April!!!

   I love him with everything I have, and we have been through SO much, I have NO doubt we will be married for forever. I love you baby, and thank you for all that you do. Thank you again for choosing us and deciding to get sober. I adore what we have, and am very happy! Oh yes, I had forgiven him, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I don't completely. Maybe its just a way to stay aware, and on my toes, and know that it could change at any moment. I am trusting it won't, but I can't see the future, I can just hope and pray for the best.

30 days of truth- Day 3

Day 3-  Something you have to forgive yourself for.

  Wow, there are so many things that I beat myself up for. Only one really came to mind and stuck. NO JUDGING, if you do not agree with what I am about to tell you, Please do not tell me.
When I was 16, my boyfriend and I (now my husband) got pregnant. We were in NO place to have a baby, I didn't have a job, he was working for his dad. I was living with my mom and grandfather at the time, NO WAY, could I have had that baby. First of all, my dad would have literally killed me, my family would have disowned me. Not pretty. I love my family, I never wanted to disappoint them. it just happened. Now keep in mind, we were having protected sex, and I was on birth control.

  Come to find out, something failed. So, there I was, stuck. What should I do? My mom asked me if we were having sex, of course I said NO, and then stupid me had to tell her a week later I was prego. That sucked! HAHA. I did not tell him. I know, horrible. But I felt it was my decision, my choice, my body. Besides, who knew what he was going to say, and I didn't wanna hear it. So, off to the clinic I went. I received some counseling, and some meds. You can see where this is going. For those of you who care, I was literally 3 weeks prego when I did this. And to be 100% honest, I was fine with the decision I had made. It was hard, especailly for a 16 year old, and for one who has always wanted a family. Just not then.

   I fought with myself back and forth over this whole mess. It was heart-breaking and brutal. And you cannot judge someone, about something they did, until you have been in their shoes. I just want to say that never again would I do this, I now know, all children are children of God. The pain was unspeakable. I told him that I had to have it done b/c it was in my tubes. He felt awful, but relieved, I believe. But to this day, I still wonder sometimes, what if. And don't worry, he foudn out the truth, and we didn't speak for a couple days. But, knowing what all I have been through now, there's NO WAY, I could have gone through that with a child. But that is another story.

30 Days of Truth- Day 2 & The Naughty List

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

I adore the fact that, at any moment, I can be spontaneous and crazy. I also adore the fact that I am a PHENOM baker, I really don't know who I got it from, maybe my grandmother on my dads side. Either way, I enjoy my body sometimes as well. Not the fat parts I complained about in Day 1. My eyes! I love the fact that I am so open-minded, about anything! I love how I am not afraid to speak up, and I dare someone (even my hubby, who wouldn't dare) walk all over me! I tell it like it is, I am a realist, like it or not, I will tell you the truth.

Now on to the naughty list:

1) I went through the U-Scan and someone put $5 bills in the $1 bill slot, and I got $20 back, instead of $4. :) NO judging!

2) My daughter had pringles off of the floor for breakfast one day! She pulled the can out of the pantry before I got up, and spilled them on the living room floor. So, there you go.

3) Sometimes I pour Pine-Sol into the sinks and toilets, and flush/rinse, just so it smells like I cleaned! LOL. No judging! I am a busy person, I don't have all day to clean! :)

Follow me back Tuesday & 30 Days of Truth-

Well you guys know that today is Tuesday, which means, time to head on out to the Tuesday blog hops! Also, I was over on Jana's page (BBAB) and she has started the '30 days of Truth' over at Angel Believes. Well, I was so in, the questions are great! Here is a link if you would like to join in!

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself.

Yes, hate is a strong word, but we all use it.
I know it says 'something', as in 1, but I have a few
.
I hate the way I look. Honestly. I used to weigh 87 pounds at 21 years of age, since I have had kids, I now weigh 138. This to me is unacceptable. And I know some of you reading this are like, "I would kill to weigh that!" But its true, this to me is fat and ugly, and I do not like it. I do not wish to weigh 87 pounds again, honestly, I see photos of myself from a mere 4 years ago, and I look TOO thin. Maybe 110.

I have panic attacks. And some are controllable and some are not. Mainly if I am out of my comfort zone, and not around anyone I know, I wig. If I am at home alone for longer than an hour and I can't get in touch with someone, I wig. I think I am going to die or something bad will happen, and no one will find me for days. I have this fear of that happening and my poor child would be here with a dead body for days. Although, my hubby comes home at 6:30, lol, I just have that fear. This is why my mom lives with us, and the fact she has nowhere else to go. Silly, probably even crazy, but that's me.

Also, I am a screamer (Just like Jana, lol), and in the same way. I scream when I am angry. I feel bad because my dad used to abuse me and my sister when we were younger, and so I just feel guilty for screaming. I just say, well I would rather scream then spank them. And this isn't an everyday occurrence, but trust me, we have our moments in this house.

I do not like to go places that are 15 miles or more away from my home. I am horrible with directions, I can manage around the town, and into the adjoining cities. But if I have to get on the highway to go anywhere, someone better be with me. I get lost in .02 seconds and I will wig, lol. My husband says I'm directionally challenged, this is why I love him so much, he is a highway-direction-map superman!

Well that's it.... tomorrow will be Day 2 for me and the question is: Something you love about yourself.
I have posted a page of the questions if you would like to follow along! Just check it out under my header.

Monday Minute!

 It is that joyful time again, we like to call, MONDAY. Over at The Daily Dose, Ian is doing his usual awesomeness, and this 'episode' is co-hosted by Kendra from Baby Bits! By the way, she came up with all of the questions!

What was your "oh no, I'm turning into my Mom/Dad" moment?


        There are so many moments, I can't place a finger on just one, gahhh. Mainly with most things I say on a daily basis, there are those that creep out, that sound like my parents! Saying something is different than turning into something. Please Lord, I WILL NOT turn out like my mother. BAHAHA.

  What current commercial do you find the most annoying/funny?Most annoying commercial? Not sure, I have been using my dvr, so it is hard to know. I did see one the other day where I about fell out laughing, but now, I can't remember. dang.



If you could only eat one color food for the rest of your life what would it be?
Are cupcakes considered a color? LOL. Probably white or brown..... Brown for tea, chocolate, lots of things!


What is your current Facebook/Myspace/Twitter status?
FB: Something about wanting to create cookies.
Myspace: HA! Don't use it ever.
Twitter: Something about my kids, I think.




'F***', Marry, Kill from this list below. Women pick from the men, men pick from the women.


•Snookie (from Jersey Shore), Ellen DeGeneres, Betty White
•Regis Philbin, Justin Bieber, Perez Hilton

Ok, I would probably Marry Regis, he is just so charming!
I would probably 'F' Justin Bieber, lol, young I know, but Regis is too old and well perez?! yuck.
And I would hafta off Perez! LOL. He is an annoying D*uc*ebag!!

And if I were a man, lol, I would Marry Betty White, 'F' Ellen, and kill Snookie!!! :) Just f.y.i. ;)