Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for. (This story will jump all over the place & its long.)
This is a sad subject for my family.
My hubby probably does not wish for me to share this, but it is 30 days of TRUTH, and this is the truth. When I was pregnant with our son, 'B', my husband was working at a tattoo shop. He had decided to try Cocaine, and became addicted, I did not find any of this out for a year and a half. He was acting weird, and distant, and was always picking fights. We would have some awful fights, over nothing, it was like he was picking fights with me. And of course, we would fight and scream and yell, and he would leave. This went on for awhile. He wouldn't eat and he always had "headaches and stomach aches". Stupid me never caught on, why, because I assumed he would have never done that to me.
We moved out into our own house, he wasn't making great money, but decent. I made him quit the tattoo shop, because we were having a baby, he didn't need to work in that environment. And he got a job at a tire shop, making ok money, enough to move out. My mom moved in with us and we were all living together. The bills were split ,and I remember not being able to pay bills, but yet he made enough money to do so. I was so confused, why isn't the power on? Where is the gas? What is going on? I always got, slow week, didn't make that much. OK. So, I will get a job. "NO, your job is here raising our son".
So, I stayed home. We still fought, it got so bad, he would leave for days and I wouldn't know where he was. One day he called me, crying and upset, and finally told me he was in Savannah (6 hours from here) and he had been doing drugs. I was shocked! Kind of. I knew something was up, it had to of been drugs, or he was cheating. But I knew something wasn't right. So, he quit. Or so I thought. We were ok for about 2 weeks, then it was back to the same, he was blaming me for not trusting him. I had 'B' during all of this and he was ok for a little bit, then it was right back to it.
I was so depressed, fighting all of the time, never seeing him. Poor baby, I hated this for him, he didn't know. But I did. One day, he decided to go to his dads, and try to get better. HAHAHA. What a joke! He was doing drugs WITH his dad, and on top of that, he changed his passwords for everything. I was infuriated, if you hae nothing to hide, why did you change all of it?! Got into it one day, heard a voicemail from a girl, who "had a great time last night". THAT WAS IT. I let him have it. I am not taking this crap anymore. The gas was shut off, and it was winter, and I had a new baby. He called his mom and they bought us a hotel room for the night, but not without first laying into us, and letting us know that she would call DFCS. Are you kidding me?!?!
I am thinking all is fine, bills are paid and here he is spending it all on drugs! How dare you!? I am a great mother! So. Things were rocky between everyone for awhile. I decided he had to go, didn't care where, just not here with us. Well, one day I came home, and SURPRISE! My 2 digital cameras were gone, a Tv, A dvd player, and some other things. Someone broke into our house?! NO. HE got into the house through, the garage door, and stole and pawned these things for drug money. UGH!!! I HATE YOU! How could you do this to me?!?!? To our son?!?! He moved in with his mom, & my mom, B, and I moved out. (His mom thought she had magical powers, and that she could heal him, since I was the one corrupting him.)
We got a 2 bedroom apartment and started over. I was working, and had 'B' in daycare, and took my mom back and forth to work. It was stressful. Some days I was so depressed, I couldn't get off of the couch. My mom had to feed my son, because I couldn't do it. It was so sad. I would call him everyday, 10x a day, he didn't want anything to do with us. He was made to get a job, and I asked him to help buy diapers and food, his mom didn't think he had to do that. I hated her too. One day, he screwed up, and his mom kicked him out. And of course, he stayed with a guy, he was doing drugs with.
Well I packed all his crap up and drove the hour and a half to his place of residence, and tried to drop it off. He wasn't there, and the stupid woman wouldn't let me leave it with her, dummy. So then she came at me, while I was on the phone with HIS mom, and so his mom called the cops. I left. To make the night even worse, I was pulled over, found out my license was suspended (I assumed the ticket was paid), and almost taken to jail. GREAT. Thankfully though, the police officer who pulled me over, was the one that was called to the house. He knew how bad of a night it had been, and he let me go, but someone had to drive me all the way home. At this point, I was done. I didn't call anymore, I didn't let 'B' leave messages, I didn't care.
I moved on. I started hanging out with my friends, and spending so much time with 'B', and enjoying life. His mom called me one day and told me he called her. He told her, "He couldn't do it anymore, and he loved me and 'B', and he wanted to go to rehab". She took him the next day. I was relieved, yet, not getting my hopes up. Went and saw him one day and he looked so good. So much better, he was ecstatic to see me and 'B', he couldn't stop hugging and kissing us. This was refreshing to me, I missed that. Well finally his time was done, and he came home. Then he dropped the bomb on me. We were moving. Wait, what?! I don't even trust you yet, and you want me to move an hour and a half way from my family?
Call me stupid, but I did it. BEST. DECISION. EvER. We got our own apartment, and things were great! It took a long time for me to trust him again, and I checked in on him at work, and went through his phone, wallet, anything I had to. And, he wasn't lying or hiding anything from me, and slowly things were better. Here we are today, married, 2 kids, gorgeous house, he works for the state, and I stay home. And life couldn't be better. He will be 4 years sober next April!!!
I love him with everything I have, and we have been through SO much, I have NO doubt we will be married for forever. I love you baby, and thank you for all that you do. Thank you again for choosing us and deciding to get sober. I adore what we have, and am very happy! Oh yes, I had forgiven him, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I don't completely. Maybe its just a way to stay aware, and on my toes, and know that it could change at any moment. I am trusting it won't, but I can't see the future, I can just hope and pray for the best.